Sexy Summer Saturday 7/7 - Emerald Green by Desiree Holt

Sexy Summer Saturdays is a weekly post that Attack the Stacks, Hackaroos Reviews, Sims-Sational Books, The Autumn Review, and The Bookish Babe created for fun, to spread the word about sizzling summer reads. 


This is a little diddy where we all review erotica-ish books on Saturday. Yes kiddies! I said Erotica, so read no further if you are a young'in. 

Goodreads Description

Meredith discovered her fianc in bed with two of her bridesmaids. Then she meets a handsome stranger who buys her an emerald pendant and offers to share his fudge with her. Before she can blink she is naked on a private, secluded beach and the mouth-watering stranger is coaxing her into sexual situations that both startle her and bring her more fulfillment than she's ever had. The afternoon is an initiation into the pleasures of the flesh, but sadly all good things must come to an end. Life is about to hand Meredith another surprise which will open yet more doors to her own sexuality.

Wow, I don’t even know where to start with this one. It was my turn this week to pick a book, and this corny ass cover is what originally got my attention. Then the description about sharing fudge? Say what? Who doesn’t like fudge? Well let me tell you the characters in this book sure love it. Jess and I have hear-by dubbed this delightful story “The Fudge Packer Book”. I know that sounds like a crude racist statement, but it’s totally not. Think literal people!

This story starts out from Meredith’s POV. She found her now ex in bed with 2 women, so she ran off to her grandma’s bed and breakfast, or something like that. I may have brushed over the details a bit, because I was just so darn excited for the sexy stuff! Well, grandma more or less, says stop moping around my house and go get some fresh hair. Meredith got a little bit more than fresh air.

She finds herself browsing in a Candy/Jewelry store. As she waits for the fudge line to go down, she stares at a green emerald necklace. A mysterious guy shows up, blabbing about the history of Emeralds and how they have sexual powers. All the while his hard man meat is brushing her buttocks through his jeans. Mysterious man then buys the necklace for her, and picks up a bag of fudge she was drooling over and out to his car they go.

Fast forward a page, and they are ready to get nakey on the beach together.  She has just met this guy, but hey why not? Mysterious man is actually named Connor. Here on the beach, on a blanket they proceed to explore every orifice she has. This blanket needs to be burned.

Texts with Jess! lol 

I’m going to be flat out blunt. This was the least sexy erotic book I have ever read. It made 50 shades look like the Kama Sutra. No way am I an expert in this… but common sense over the years has taught me that women generally dislike the word cunt. By 25 % (and this is a short story) the C word was dropped at least 6 times.

“His fingers pressed harder against her cunt lips” – Um, you lost me with cunt lips.

Though the word cunt does not personally offend me, it’s still a very un-sexy word. I think it’s safe to assume this story was meant for women to enjoy. Different word choice would have done wonders for Emerald Green.

Now enter the corny dialogue…

‘At last he drew back, the killer smile teasing at his lips. “So, Meredith. Have you ever been fucked beside the ocean before?”

“Just beautiful. You have the breasts of a goddess. I am but a humble slave to come worship at them”

LOL. Oh wait, I forgot one. This one seriously had me rolling.

“When I slip this into your body, Meredith, you’ll know your well and truly fucked”

Really, ya don’t say, eh? Ha!

Now for the fudge. You all knew I was going to get to the fudge. Personally, I’ve never experimented with food down there. Mints, sure, but never insertion. Are you all familiar with the texture of fudge? It’s sticky, kind of gooey when warm. Conner takes this bag of fudge that he bought, and stuffs it all up Meredith’s strawberry tasting slit. It even describes how he pushes it in and lines her vaginal walls with it. Don’t worry, I’m not done yet. He uses his Go Go gadget tongue to lick it all out, and also scraping it out with his fingernails.  

OUCH, EWWWW, and WTF!!!!

My face through much of this book. lol

I say go go gadget tongue because no one has a tongue as long as this guys. Note to all men who may stumble across this review. If your tongue can reach the back of your girl’s hole, you might not be human. Get that checked out.

Oh, and then they wash the fudge away in the ocean. This bitch is going to get a yeast infection for sure.

I’m trying not to be mean in this review. My intention is always to poke a little fun, but I’m finding it hard to believe this was written for women. I’m a sicko, so that means a lot coming from me. There is just so much wrong with this book.

“Occasionally he would pinch her clit with his other hand, not hard, just enough that more of her cream released onto his hand.”

 That is not sexy!!! That is a soap dispenser!

“I’ll be the one to have that pleasure of fucking that delicious virgin ass. First with my fingers, then with my cock.”

Hey..I just met you, and this is crazy. But here’s my asshole, fuck me maybe?!?!

 “He wished he could stretch her pussy wider, peer all the way to the mouth of the womb and see that delicious cream begin it’s journey through that hungry channel.”

NO!!! There will be no stretching and peering! Leave that up to the gynos! Jeesh. A few times through-out, Meredith describes being able to feel him up in her womb, or her womb quivering along with her cunt walls. Um… I haven’t felt my womb since I was pregnant, and I would like to keep it that way. Stay away from my Womb!

I would not recommend this to anyone unless you are just in the mood for a laugh. I’ m so glad Emerald Green was free on Amazon, because I would be very disappointed if I had actually spent money on it. The one saving grace is that it’s incredibly short and I read it in a little over an hour.

It’s a shame, because without the weird stuff, and the poor wording, it had the potential to be a cute.